The Post Pavilion Podcast
Two best mates, a couple of microphones and absolutely no plan. Join Chris Morley and Paul Gilbert as they chat about everyday life, how they became friends, things that amuse them far more than they probably should, and a fair amount of pointless guff (who even uses that word?). Along the way there’s regular features like What Gets on Your Tuts, Chris v Paul, and whatever else seems like a good idea at the time. New episodes drop every other Friday. For updates, follow us on Facebook & Instagram @postpavilionpodcast.
The Post Pavilion Podcast
The Almost Live Episode
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Chris and Paul chat through heatwaves, Premier Inns, questionable purple bathroom lighting, London adventures, river cruises, out-of-body driving experiences, expensive toothpaste and another round of "What Gets On Your Tuts"
Thanks for listening and do not forget to like, subscribe and share with your mates. You can get in touch with your questions, shoutouts, TUTS of the week, postpavilionpodcast@gmail.com or check us out on Facebook and Instagram @postpavilionpodcast for all your pod updates
Welcome to the Post Pavilion Podcast. Two best mates and a couple of microphones and absolutely no plan. We chat about everyday life, how they became friends, things that amuse us for more than they probably should, and a fair amount of pointless guff. Listen back to the previous episodes to find out the true meaning of guff. This is the Post Pavilion Podcast.
PaulSick of the shower head, just showering? Meet the Podcast Pro Shower Head, the only shower head with more opinions than your mate who won't stop talking. Featuring 12 powerful spray modes, including I'm Fine, just one more episode, and our premium setting, Why's the Water Cold? So next time you're in the shower, don't just clean, get informed, get entertained, and get absolutely drenched. Listen to our podcast because apparently even shower heads have better content than you.
ChrisWelcome to the Post Pavilion Podcast with me, Chris Morley.
PaulAnd me, Paul Gilbert. And well, welcome to- Where have you been?
ChrisWhere have I been?
PaulWhere have you been?
ChrisWhere have I been? Uh back at home now. I have been.
PaulWell, let me give some context to why I'm asking where you've been, because I haven't spoken to you in three days.
ChrisWell, I came off a ship last week and then I haven't stopped. Right. Honestly.
PaulI know you haven't.
ChrisNot stopped. I've been away. I've been I've decided to go visit London in the hottest week of the year. More about that soon. Um and here we are. This this pod, this episode of the pod, is very much as live.
PaulOh, it couldn't be any more live, because let's just give you slightly context. I am on tour. So while you've been holidaying and cruise ships, I'm been on tour. I keep saying I'm on tour. I'm always on tour.
ChrisAlways on tour.
PaulI'm always on tour. But currently I am in a premiere inn.
ChrisYour purple palace?
PaulI'm in a purple palace. I'm in Bogna Regis. I came off stage an hour ago and rushed straight to the hotel, checked in, paid for premium Wi-Fi, and the podcast is coming out tomorrow.
ChrisYes, in the morning. Actually, in the more early hours of the morning.
PaulSo have you got to edit all this and do all the shebang before you go to sleep?
ChrisYes, I do. So uh so yeah, uh think uh talk about leaving it last minute, but hey, yeah, it was just how our diaries could align, wasn't it?
PaulWell, actually, we'll let everybody into a secret. We actually haven't done a live recording for one month because the last episode we did what gets on your toots, but we did that back to back from the episode before.
ChrisWe did. Oh, we've got loads to get to it, it's been a whole month. That's exciting. That's crazy.
PaulCan I tell you something? And I'm not gonna I'm not gonna state the obvious, and it's gonna be the same thing that everyone's feeling, but I'm a bit hot.
ChrisIt's very well that so we record this on the hottest day ever recorded at what was it, 36 degrees today?
PaulYeah, so I was travelling from uh my name in Somerset to uh Boglaregias in Sussex, is that where it is? Yeah, and I was in the car with no air con and it got to 34 degrees.
ChrisWoo!
PaulThat is I was tempted to take my t-shirt off, my pants off, and just sit there naked.
ChrisI would have done it.
PaulBut but I'm not sure if it's illegal.
ChrisYou might get some funny.
PaulOh no, with the three lads in the car might have minded that as well. Do you know what I mean?
ChrisWell, I look, we're all in the same boat here, it's warm, you've got to cool yourself down.
PaulAnd I feel like we're contradicting because when we did the episode of What Gets On Your Tuts when we did the special, there was some tut saying that people are complaining about the heat. I'm gonna say that when that c when that tut happened, I don't think it was as hot as it is now.
ChrisI don't think so. I mean, even tonight, it is a cool uh 23 degrees in my house. Well, actually, I'm gonna sleep in the garden tonight. That's what's gonna happen.
PaulI wish I could tell you how well uh well actually, do you know what? I I love a premiere in. You know I love a purple palace. I stayed in a lovely purple palace in Doncaster uh the other day. That was stunning. Uh it had aircon, premiere in. I was in Premier Plus room, right? And it had the whole shebang. I couldn't work out how to turn the aircon off. Now I'm in this uh premiere in, and I'm not ungrateful because the client has put us in a premiere in, so that is lovely, but it's got no aircon either.
ChrisSee, that's mad, isn't it? And big chain like premiere in, they should be provided minimum. I've got actually funny enough, I've got uh a little that's my seat. Oh, is that your watch for a change?
PaulOh good, so it is anyway.
ChrisWhat you say is So I've got a I've got a little bit of a uh I've got a little tut on Premier Inns, which I will bring in to later in the pod because uh No, we've got plenty of we've got plenty of tuts to do, just do it now.
PaulCome on, we're in the flow, come on, what's happened?
ChrisSo basically, I stayed at the Purple Palace the last two days.
PaulNice.
ChrisVery I have to say, can't complain about the Premier Inn. Lovely. However, however, is when you turn on when you turn on the light in the bathroom five minutes in, it sounds like it's taking off. What's that all about?
PaulOh, it's the extra it's the extractor fan, isn't it?
ChrisI've just gone in there, just going out five minutes myself, and it's the and and and it just starts taking off.
PaulRight, so as a veteran premier in plus uh person that stays in loads of premier ins, I think I've actually stayed in more premier ins this year than I have my own house.
ChrisWe're gonna start calling you Lenny Henry.
PaulUh yeah, guaranteed good night's sleep. But actually, if you walk in the bathroom, yeah, look above the door.
ChrisYes, that's what I did.
PaulThere's a switch there, isn't there?
ChrisNo, there wasn't a switch. This is what baffled me. I was trying to turn the thing off. It was like it was and then sometimes you go in in the daytime, you turn the light on, it doesn't even come on. It only comes on when you go in at night. So when you go in in the evening, you're getting your teeth done, like my son was asleep, so I was trying to be trying to be quiet. What happens five minutes in? It sounds like it's taking off. It doesn't start, it doesn't just start in the bathroom, it goes into the hallway as well.
PaulYeah, it will do. Hallway? How big was your room?
ChrisNo, not hallway, but you know, just you're just outside.
PaulI want to know what premiere in you're getting in. Do you know what I think prem pre speaking of premiere ins though, and I'm not like pro I am very pro premier ins, but I'm also I've started staying in Ibis styles.
ChrisOh, what are they are they basic?
PaulNo, complete opposite. You get it's like you get like a premium room, but it's got a kitchenette in it.
ChrisOh, very nice.
PaulSo you get like a microwave, a fridge, a freezer, you get like a bowl, you get like a no, you get like uh you get like a a sink, you get a sink, you get a you get a cupboard, you get shelves, you get pots and pans, and one bowl lovely and one bowl. And one bowl. And a teasement. Yeah, but I've started staying in IBS Styles, and they are they are very nice.
ChrisIs it a bit like a home from home sort of thing?
PaulNo, not really. Well, it's just a mini kitchen, basically. But I think that's where Premier Inn could get better. So you could have like Premier In standard room, Premier In Plus. Hang on. Then up that you should go Premier In Kitchenette.
ChrisSo you're not in a Premier In Plus then?
PaulDid you not is there not what No, because no, because the client that is booked us for the gig that we're doing, um, they have put us in Premier Inn. I can't really dictate, can I have a Premier in Plus, please?
ChrisOh, I see. Right.
PaulCould you imagine, right, if I said to the boss, uh, he's gone, we're doing a gig, here's the gig, and you're we're all staying in Premier In, and then I go, Oh, is there any chance you can put me a Premier Plus room? Could you imagine the dirty looks I get?
ChrisFor an extra 20 quid, I think it's worth it.
PaulYeah, but it's we're not paying for it, they are, so I can't really dictate anything when it comes to that. Do you know what I mean?
ChrisI guess I guess I guess you're just getting your head down and recording.
PaulBut I am going back to I am going back to Doncaster on Sunday and I will be but after after after recording this, I will be booking myself a little premium plus. I love a premium plus. You need shares in that company. But yeah, extractor fun, you're making me think about if I know where the extractor fun is in here. See I've got to go and look in a minute.
ChrisAnd the purple light around the bed, I just it just uh it's it's not good.
PaulI've got quite a I've got quite a story to tell you about um a an experience I have, but I'm not sure with the purple light? Yeah, it r it relates to the purple light, but in quite a crude way.
ChrisOkay.
PaulBut but we we could say it, yeah. And I haven't even told you this because I haven't spoken to you for three days. But uh the other day I was in a premier in and I I I don't know what I ate, um, but I'd been to a festival. Yeah. I didn't stay over at the festival, I'm not sleeping in no tent, but uh we I went to watch Jesse J um at DevaFest or Diva Fest or whatever it's called. Jesse J was a Diva Fest, yeah. So we we went over to watch Jesse J. I thought that was nice anyway. I walked round, bumped into a few people that I know, thought which is nice, but I was a bit hungry, so I was like, Do you know what? I'll go and get a pizza. And it's all festival food, isn't it? Yeah, I'm not saying that's what gave me a dicky tummy, but I had the tom tits.
ChrisIt probably did it probably was the pizza.
PaulRight, so anyway, I'll move on. I've I had the tom tits the following day, like all day, like we went for a walk, uh, we got a coffee, went for a walk. Well, I I wasn't well then either. So it was like I need to walk quick here because either I'm gonna I'm gonna poo my pants or and then uh we found a toilet. Uh just so you know, I wasn't well. Anyway, in this premiere in I was staying in, premium plus in Doncaster. I I had there's a purple light in the bathroom, so you can either have a purple light, which is a night light, yeah. So it doesn't wake everybody up, or the so but I went into the toilet facilities to use the toilet to go again for the 35th time.
ChrisBut it was like a crime scene in there, right?
PaulThis is the problem. So it was I I I flipped the purple light on, but I was that close to pooing my pants that I didn't have time to swap the light over. So anyway, I sat on the toilet in purple lighting, like the whole world was coming out of me. Anyway, I then got what you call a bit of ring stink. Right. You know what I mean?
ChrisI don't think we need to know the details, but yeah, but no, it gets worse.
PaulIf you think ring sting's bad, but then I got a bit of ring sting, and then I I just felt a bit of pain, so then I I wiped my bottom, and then I don't know any of the details. It gets worse. Oh, but then I wiped my button. No, it's true. I wiped my button, and then I just I thought I'd have a little look, see what happened. And on the paper, just looked like pure blood. What? Right? Like pure blood.
Post Pavillion Podcast Theme TuneOh my god.
PaulSo then I switched the light out. I was like, uh I need to check this. So then I switched the light on. It wasn't pure blood, it was just the fact that I had purple light on and reflecting on do you know what I mean? Are you with me? So for one second I thought my my I was bleeding out of my bottom, but it was the purple light reflecting on the colour of poo that made me think it was like pure red.
ChrisPerhaps you had UV, UV poo.
PaulYeah, uh mate, I can't tell you. I would say the world fell out of my backside, but it had been for 40 years.
ChrisIt literally had.
PaulOh mate, I had the tom tits all day. It was horrific. Uh I I was but then people are saying to me, why don't you go and do a festival? I'm like, I don't I don't want to do a festival. And the only reason I won't do a festival is because I I need a good bed, a good shower, uh and make sure you don't put a UV light on. Yeah, but I after that experience where I was there for like four hours, watched Jesse J, incredible, her band were insane. Um, but that whole that that big hole that big hole, it just it gave me this the squirts.
ChrisOh no.
PaulBut and uh generally, so whatever you do, if you've got a whitey bum and you're a bit concerned, just don't have a purple light because it looks like blood.
ChrisWell and it's important to that's the trail for the bot for the episode, isn't it?
PaulYeah, that's the trailer sort of. But anyway, well a week, yeah. The person like I was the person I was with, I don't even think I told her. I was just like, I think I was a bit embarrassed. Well, but now I feel like I need to tell her because if she listens to this podcast now, she'd go, why didn't you tell me? But I'm not sure if I told her. But anyway, anyway, I think the whole nation's gonna be listening. Yeah, I wasn't bleeding. Anyway, um on that positive note. Anyway, good week. Yeah, great week. Yeah, it's been it's been superb. I let me quickly summarise me. Yeah, I've been on tour, I've been on tour, I've been on tour, I've been on tour, I've been on tour. It's hot, I'm sweating. And that's about it.
ChrisAnd that's about it. Well, shall I tell you my week then?
PaulYeah, go on then.
ChrisSo we so uh I took the family away, so we went to London. So we thought book a book a little book a little couple of days in London, went to go and see some friends uh in London, went to watch uh uh Brainiac Live, which was a show which uh I did years ago.
PaulYeah.
ChrisSo we went to the went to the Garrick Theatre in London. Uh they got I think they've got an offer on for families as well.
PaulSo um well, they're sponsoring this podcast now, are they? Oh they today's episode by sponsored by Brainiac.
ChrisUh but it's good, it's great, great for the kids. Uh we we had a lovely time. Um it's not a great show if your child suffers from like loud noises or anything like that, because there are some explosions.
PaulOh no, because there is lots of loud bangs and stuff in it, yeah. But very I'm sure you'd know that before you booked it though.
ChrisYou would have thought so, but there was some there was a child that sat near us and he absolutely lost it. And then the the mother said to the husband, said, I told you it wouldn't be a good idea taking him here, would it, did I? Now look, you've got to sit in the foyer for the next hour.
PaulUm that was like sorry to interrupt, that was like the time when I went and watched Paddington the musical at the West End and I won't ruin it, but there's a bit in Paddington the musical where something bit like happens, and even I went, oh my! Yeah, but there was a kid in front that was so invested in what had happened on the stage that went into absolute hysterics, like screaming, crying, and it was like, Oh my, I really wanted to go just saying no. It's not it's not real, it's okay. But anyway, yeah, but I can empathize with that anyway.
ChrisSo uh so yeah, we went to go and see that. That was brilliant. Um I've just had a good good day out. Uh and then yesterday we ended up uh went up watching the eclipse. Did you how how was the eclipse at your end?
PaulUh it was I was out with friends having an Indian. I forgot.
ChrisWell, let's be honest, you didn't miss anything because I was walking through Chinatown in London and it went dark for about five minutes, but it wasn't even dark. It was like it was the it was like early evening, which it was, and then and then it was like, oh that was it.
PaulUh well speaking of the eclipse though, did you see what the Sun newspaper did today?
ChrisNo.
PaulSo the Sun newspaper is called The Sun. Yeah. Then they had the picture of the eclipse and they called it the moon.
ChrisOh, you think they did that when it first came round in the 90s? I'm sure I saw Sunday.
PaulWell, it was wasn't it like 1999, the last time an eclipse happened, or something like that.
ChrisI was in I was in Cornwall watching that. It was brilliant.
PaulBut anyway, yeah, so you were you saw the eclipse.
ChrisHere's a question for you. Uh when you go to a restaurant, have you ever sat down at the table and then looked at the menu and gone, nah, not for me, and walked out?
PaulUm not inside a restaurant. So if I so basically you've gone into a restaurant, you've sat down and looked at the menu.
ChrisLiterally, we would be there for about five minutes, I reckon.
PaulAnd then you left.
ChrisAnd we left. I've never I've I've never I think I've done that twice in my life, and that was yesterday.
PaulDo you know how I do you know I have how I avoid that? Look up the menu online.
ChrisWell, we did look at the well, we were walking through Chinatown. It's good you you've been through Chinatown? Yeah, loads. It's quite overwhelming with the amount of restaurants there are. So especially when you've got kids, you're going, what should I wait? What can they eat? You know, and and the menu didn't have chips on it.
PaulSo that was Yeah, but yeah, I I guarantee if you would have said um can we have some chips, they would have given you some chips.
ChrisProbably, but you know, when you look at the menu and you're going, yeah. And we even asked, is there a kid to me? They're like, No, but they can have like fried rice, you're like, Yeah, but that's not I need I need to see a menu.
PaulRight, okay. So you were in a Chinese restaurant then?
ChrisIn a Chinese restaurant, and we also had to eat one.
PaulSo just so you know, a Chinese restaurant on your high street where you live will be completely different to a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown.
ChrisYeah. Do you know what we did?
PaulAnd you learnt that the hard way. Where did where did you end up?
ChrisJamie's Italian. Oh, I love Jamie's Italian. I have to say, but I have to say, he it was very nice, and it was a good move. We were we were happy. We walked in, and then we sat outside, watched the watched the eclipse for all of 10 minutes, and we were lovely, really nice, great food, highly recommend. But this is in Leicester Square, but there was about 10 other Italian restaurants.
PaulYeah, there will be. It's the capital city. It's the capital city. So yeah, it's just it's it's huge.
ChrisYeah, so we did so we did that, which was lovely, and we got about 20,000 steps in. We I went to uh went to Hamley's the toy store and I had to have a sit down in Hamley's because it was I know we've been talking about the weather, but it was roasting, and I was getting a bit you know, and you just get to that point of the day going, I need to go and sit down somewhere in a cold room. Hamley's was the place. So I sat next I sat on a panda because that was the only place to sit. What do you mean you sat on a panda? There was there there was a there was a a panda. Well, how can I describe it? Basically, it was a plastic model of a panda with a with a baby and there was a little ledge, it was it was stood on a ledge, and I thought, I'm gonna sit on that ledge. And you know, I was getting some funny looks, people looking at me, I was like, look, mate, I just need to sit down for five minutes. I think I'm gonna pass out here, is that all I just need five minutes to myself? And then I turned round and I was like, Oh, people want photos with the panda, but they were all queuing next to me. You were sat on it. I was sat on it, I didn't realise people were queuing next to me at the time. So uh so I said, because I just said to the family, I went, Look, just go up, uh just come and get me. Anyway, they were gone for about half an hour. They were only going up two floors, and uh and I sat on a panda with a queue next to me. So that was that was interesting.
PaulI'm curious to know why. So and also you because we have notes, don't we? Yeah, you put um commentary on a boat was from the crew and it was hilarious.
ChrisYes, so I went on a river boat cruise today. So it's where they you know you go up and down the Thames and they tell you all the Oh you did the Thames thing the Thames what? Thames thing could have got an Uber, didn't bother. Everyone else gets the Uber, don't they? The Uber boats which fly down the Thames. Have you ever seen them reverse into a space? My goodness me. They literally rock up in, get people on, out again.
PaulYeah, well, money to be made, didn't it?
ChrisThey do not mess about. Three boats came in today and it was all kicking off. They're like, Oh really? All the stuff we're going, can't believe it, Uber bought three boats in. Can what are they doing? Oh well anyway, great, great times. Anyway, that wasn't it.
PaulWhy would you go to I'm curious to know why you went to London in a heat wave?
ChrisWell, I didn't realise it was gonna be a heat wave when I booked it because it was about four weeks ago I booked this.
PaulYeah, but the heat wave's been going on for what feels like twelve years.
ChrisI thought it was gonna cool down, didn't I? I've been I thought I thought it can't get any hotter, can it?
PaulWell apparently it's getting cooler from tomorrow. But anyway, commentary on the boat.
ChrisSo we went on the boat and uh apparently uh the the commentary is run by volunteers and they will do the commentary when you're going up and down the Thames. Now, unfortunately, there was no volunteers, so they had to get the uh one of the members of the crew to do the commentary. This guy is a legend, proper Londoner, and you know what? He mentioned he meant to be fair, he was fabulous.
PaulGive me give me because you're really good at doing accents, yeah. Um and give me an example of what he said.
ChrisWell, he was like, right, well, uh as you can see on the right hand side.
PaulSorry, stop a minute. Just stop a minute. For any Londoners that are actually listening, we don't mean any offence by this, so don't be offended by Chris's dodgy London accent, as you were.
ChrisHe was proper, he was proper London, like he was like apples and pears London, you know? And he was like, Look, I don't normally do this, you know, we've we've run by volunteers, so you've got me on commentary. My name's Tony, I'm from the East End, and I'm gonna take you up the Thames anyway. Uh and he'd go, right, the thing on the right hand side that's one of the oldest pubs on the Thames. Uh, right, the one up there up on the left, that's a good pub. You The troilette one and he mentioned about 50 decent pubs. I wish I'd written them down because he was br on he didn't just mention about the pub, but he was he was given obviously the usual landmarks and stuff. But it was just it was just you know when you just call it.
PaulDo you know what there's experiences like that that make it for me? So you have you ever been you've never been to Orlando, have you? No, right? So there's a ride at Magic, not Magic King, Animal Kingdom, where you go on a boat and you go around like safari and you see animals and some animals are real, some animals are not, but you have like a host of the boat, and they they're they're like the captain of the boat, but they don't steer the boat because it's all underwater it's all pulled or whatever, but they're but they're running they commentate on everything around them. It's obviously a script, but it is so well timed, beautifully written, yeah, and everything like that. And we're a group of entertainers, so when we went, I think sometimes as entertainers, we're the hardest to entertain. I yeah, I agree because we have higher kind of quite if you're gonna make me laugh, you've got to be proper funny. Yeah, we don't laugh at normal stuff. Do you know what I mean? But the people on there were absolutely hilarious in like obviously it's all you go around there, no stuff's gonna happen. But for me, a boat captain or an experience like that, they're the ones that really make the experience. Yeah, yeah. I really don't care about the boat ride, it's about entertain me while I'm on it.
ChrisHe was uh honestly, but that's what you want. I it was like the alternative commentary. He was like, Oh, you know, uh Cher, she lives down on the left hand side of the river. Uh now she complained to us uh because we kept telling her where she where where she lives. So she's moved down the other a couple of doors down, and you guessed it. I'm gonna tell you exactly where she lives.
PaulYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly that. I was on a boat. I was on a boat in Portugal once, and it's a story about your your musical hero, but Cliff Richard.
ChrisYeah, I love him.
PaulBecause he has a I'm sure it's Portugal, but he has a uh he has a place in Portugal, doesn't he? Yes, he does. We were on a boat ride years and years ago, and we're on a boat ride, went out, and then the guy went, um, there you go, that's Cliff Richards' house up there. And we were like, Oh, yay, woo, that's nice. And they went, Yeah, that's the one that got raided. Oh there you go.
ChrisAnd well, Harry Redknapp uh lives in sandbanks, and there's obviously there's little tours and stuff, and he had to move because of that because everybody on the these tour boats would go, Oh, there's Harry's house. So he'd move down, he'd move somewhere down the road.
PaulBut which is really weird because if you go to LA in America, they actually do tours around the estates where people live, and they're like, Yeah, that's the rock's house, that's Miley Cyrus's house, that's Adele's house. But if they buy a house there, they have to kind of sign into the fact that that happens. Didn't The Rock like pull out of his driveway or something and then pulled up next to a um Tour bus next to a tour bus and just went, Hey guys, how you doing? The worst American accent ever. I think he does that.
ChrisI think he does that, Ray. Of course it's good publicity, isn't it? It's good publicity. Of course it is, of course it is.
PaulOh can I tell you something about my out of body experience?
ChrisGo for it.
PaulHave you finished?
ChrisWell, yeah, that was that was it was just yeah, I have.
PaulIt was just a good sorry, I felt like I interrupted you then.
ChrisNo, it was a good experience, and if you ever want to do a river cruise, highly recommend it. I loved it.
PaulWell now suddenly river cruise and our sponsoring our podcast.
ChrisI'd say what?
PaulWe haven't had a sponsor for ages actually.
ChrisNo, we haven't. Uh look, you know people in high places.
PaulDo I now?
ChrisYou know people.
PaulWould it be good if would it be good if we got a big major sponsor?
ChrisLike Colgate.
PaulI've started using Colgate.
ChrisHave you?
PaulI'm not saying like I've never brushed my teeth before, but no, I'm just saying like I've gone to I I this is not even on my nose, but I got sucked in by marketing.
ChrisDid ya? Yeah. I wonder what you're gonna say then.
PaulNo, I'm not gonna say the other thing. But I um so now I brush my teeth with this ultra toothpaste, whatever it is, and then after I brush my teeth, I use a whitening serum.
ChrisHave you have you been sat in the premier with the purple light on again? Your teeth must be a little bit.
PaulNo, I haven't, no, I'm definitely not. No, they're not white as white. Well, they're all they're getting there, but yeah, I just I've started, and do you know what? It was nearly 40 quid.
Chris40 quid on toothpaste? Are you kidding?
PaulThe first one the first one you brush your teeth with like normal, yeah. That's like 18 quid. And then the three- for a tube of toothpaste, yeah. You are honestly. Listen, and then the the other one next to it, the one you the serum afterwards is like £21.50.
ChrisFor a for a tube.
PaulYeah.
ChrisAnd you say I'm up a middle class.
PaulNo, I just I got sucked in by a TikTok video. I was like, that looks good. And then I just went into boots the following day and I bought it. And then even when I paid for it, I was like, I don't know why I've done this.
ChrisSee, it got you that that's where that they your TikTok must be full of stuff that just pulls you in to go and buy it.
PaulOh, I buy loads of stuff, but I don't buy it off TikTok shop. I then just go on Amazon and buy it.
ChrisAnd what's been what's been the best thing you've bought off TikTok or you've seen on TikTok?
PaulUm, well, I nearly brought some vests the other day.
ChrisWell, like a string vest.
PaulI'm not no, not string. Or man vests but like no, not old man, but it's the ones that have got no sleeves on them, and they're like cut basically like the t-shirt I'm wearing now, but with no but like good material and stuff. Oh, so you get it. But I can't find I can't find them on Amazon.
ChrisSo if you've got any recommendations, then let Paul know. Anyway, let's get back to your story, your out-of-body experience.
PaulRight, so we were driving through the night uh from uh one gig to another. It was quite late. I think it was about 2 a.m. Uh 2 a.m. and we still had another couple of hours to go. So we were driving, and we on this journey that we do is a long drive, but we also have to be up early the following day, blah blah blah blah blah whatever. So we ship me and the other driver, we ship me and Lee, we share the driving. So he does the first bit, I do the second bit. But while he's doing the first bit, I got my airplane net pillow and I went to sleep. I was like, I need to get some sleep because we have to be up early in the morning, da da da and as I was fast asleep, but I think I subconsciously still knew up one I was in a cart and two we were moving because out of nowhere I woke up and grabbed the steering wheel that wasn't there. So I must I in my head I think I fell asleep. It's horrible. I know, I in my head, so I did fall asleep, but in my head I thought I'd fallen asleep at the wheel as if I was driving. Yeah. So I grabbed, I woke up really quick, grabbed the steering wheel that wasn't there, because I was in the passenger seat, and made like went, I went, and then Lee, who was driving, said, in other words, what was that? And I went, and I just looked really confused. He was like, mate, are you alright? And I went, Yeah, I thought I'd fallen asleep at the wheel. And he was like, What? And I went, No, I generally thought I was driving. I dreamt I was driving and I'd fallen asleep at the wheel, and then I've gone to drive, like grabbed the steering wheel as if I had fallen asleep at the wheel.
ChrisSee, I guess when you subconsciously were thinking of driving. I guess a lot of people have that, don't they? If you if you if there's something that you do on a regular basis.
PaulWell, actually, he sent me a he then I took over the driving a little bit. Um later he um he said he googled it while I took over the driving. Let me find what he said. Snapchat, there he is. He's called Snapchat in my phone. Um, so putting your hands in the air as if you are driving while asleep is a sleep behaviour called nocturnal moto motor behaviour or sleep-related movement disorder. It often happens um when I'm in a non-REM sleep, uh, and it's a behaviour disorder. So possible causes are my brain fails to relax muscles during dreams, so I act out. Yeah. Uh sleepwalking, uh, complex happen while I'm in a deep sleep, and stress and fatigue, extreme tiredness, or irregular sleep schedules can trigger unusual physical movements at night.
ChrisWell, because your sleep pan's all over the place, that all makes sense.
PaulYeah. It's so like then the one thing you should never do is Google it. So I then started Googling a bit more. Oh no. And now apparently I need to go and see a doctor and then go and see a um what they call these brain people, a neurologist or something.
ChrisOh god, yeah.
PaulYeah, so now I'm doubting everything. Like I've got a night drive tomorrow night, and now I'm dreading that.
ChrisWell, you just gotta take it steady.
PaulYeah. Take it in steady. Anyway, that was my that was my out-of-body experience that we had.
ChrisWhat's been I wonder what well I wonder if anyone else has had an out-of-body experience.
PaulYeah, but that that can range from seeing people or hearing voices or I get a lot of deja vues.
ChrisI get a lot of them.
PaulWell, I I might be wrong, but someone will correct me. Um someone will correct me. But if you if you have a deja vu experience, it's because the one side of the brain has fallen a millisecond behind the other side of your brain.
ChrisWise words from the quote.
PaulAllegedly. Allegedly.
ChrisAnd we'd just like to confirm that Paul is not a doctor.
PaulI'm not a doctor, but I did re I did read that once. I do like it.
ChrisWell, I've I I deja vu. I've had it before where uh where I've been driving, fallen asleep, and it's not in this is in a dream, and a lorry comes straight ahead of me and I wake up with the lights going, uh-uh.
PaulI just did Oh, like you're driving into a lorry. Yeah.
ChrisAnd then woke up.
PaulYeah, but then do you sit like so? This is one thing that does freak me out, even when I am driving, is when you're driving behind a lorry that's carrying logs. Um you ever seen the film Final Destination?
ChrisYes, I have. I have to overtake you.
PaulAnd then all you Yeah, straight away it's like, no, I can't I can't sit behind this. I will take three points on my licence to prove so I know that not one of them logs is gonna fly back and hit me in the face.
ChrisI never walk under scaffolding, that's another fear.
PaulNo, that don't bother me. I walk under ladders, I walk under scattering, don't bother me there.
ChrisWhat's the three drain thing? I think I'm not too sure which way around it is. I think I might have got it wrong. Two drains, like not like not actual drains. They're like the um what are they underneath? Electrical aren't they like electrical things?
PaulI have no idea what you're talking about.
ChrisIt drains on the f on the pavement. You know, there's like sometimes you get Oh, sewage drains. Yeah, sewage drains or the the big electrical drains.
PaulOh people yeah, but then people peep some people are superstitious that they don't walk on cracked pavement.
ChrisYeah, not that bad. Not that bad.
PaulShut up. That's I find that ridiculous.
ChrisYeah, no, I don't do that.
PaulI find phobias a bit mad anyway. Not because I'm not I'm not really scared of a lot of stuff.
ChrisWell I went to the science museum as well, uh, when while in London, and that's there's a whole section in there about phobias.
PaulSo Yeah, but it's because you're so more people more people get uh bitten by dogs than any other but pe but than a spider, let's say, right? So but yet we still are okay with dogs because but people are scared of be like no one's gonna a spider is never bitten.
ChrisSee this is where I've got it wrong about the drains thing. Walking over three consecutive drain covers or manual covers is a traditional British folk superstition believed by some to bring bad luck or severe misfortune. Conversely, stepping on two drains is sometimes considered lucky. I've been doing it the wrong way around for all my life.
PaulDo you know that's not a thing?
ChrisNo, it course isn't.
PaulIt's not a thing. I'm not superstitious in any way. I know people that put on like showbiz people that go, I'll put on my shoes before my tie. Just put your tie on.
ChrisYeah, I'm not I'm not that bad.
PaulIt means you can have a bad show.
ChrisI'm not that bad.
PaulI've got to But then I do but I have a routine, so before I go on stage and do my show, because I wear lots of costumes in one of the shows I'm doing at the minute, because I wear lots of costumes and stupid outfits in it, even though I've already set the costumes and I know it's all set, I go before I go on stage, I'll go back to all my costumes and go mask, um save kit, band, headband, da da da gold pants, da da. I go back and I check it's all there. Even though I'm I'm the only one that sets my costumes.
ChrisDo you know yeah, but somebody could have moved it. You never know, do you?
PaulWell, to be fair, we have got a bit of a well, someone, someone, we were at a venue back to back, so like Thursday, Friday, yeah, and I left a t-shirt, one of my show t-shirts on a chair, because I don't wear the show t-shirt till halfway through the show. Yeah. And someone's nicked my uh Animal Guys t-shirt.
ChrisBut it's on eBay now.
PaulYeah, probably. Guaranteed. Yeah, for 50p. Yeah. Do you know what I was more upset about? Is I just washed it.
ChrisThat is annoying.
PaulYeah, so I was a bit fuming about that.
ChrisWell, I chucked it a pound for it and I've got it. It's coming to my house. Oh, well done.
PaulYou can have it back. Can have it back, please. Anyway, is it time to move on to our favourite segment?
ChrisIt is, it is time for a uh what gets on your toots. Uh we'll just go straight into it. Straight into the job. Go on, straight in.
PaulStraight into the what you're not even putting the jungle in. Is that because you've got to edit the podcast after? So you've gone, we're not even get we're not even getting the theme tune.
ChrisDo people like it? I think they do.
PaulMake a num make a note of where we are on the timer and stick the theme tune in. We have to be consistent with it. You can't be doing it because you're lazy. We're not putting the jingle in. We're not putting the jingle jump. Right, so we'll carry on. So, just for the sake of you not being lazy, we're gonna play the jingle right now.
Post Pavillion Podcast Theme TunePost pavilion podcast. What gets on your toot? What gets on your toot? Tell us what gets on your toot, what gets on your toot, what gets on your toot, what gets on your toot, what gets on your toot.
PaulThere you go.
ChrisSee, it does sound bad, doesn't it?
PaulYeah, doesn't it? There you go. Um I've got one. Um it's coming from Tim from Skegnets. Yeah, hello Tim. Who has said um people who reply K. Oh, so I take it's like WhatsApp messages, not okay, just the just the letter K.
ChrisSee, if we're talking about WhatsApp messages, I think I might have bought this up before. It's just the thumbs up.
PaulWe can elaborate.
ChrisThe thumbs up emotionally.
PaulYeah, thumbs up can come across as aggressive, but it depends on the context.
ChrisYeah, like oh I'll see you, see you, I'll meet you outside the pub at seven. Thumbs up.
PaulHere's a question for you then. So would you rather like Tim says, K, just no okay, but just K. Would you rather a K or thumbs up?
ChrisGo with a thumbs up. I'm with him on that. But I don't like I uh people putting K, just put oh just put OK or or or do it as a sort of thing.
PaulYeah, but but even then I find OK or K like right rude anyway. You just go, okay, no problem, I'll see you then. Yeah, it comes across as a thanks for replying, catch you later. Alright, mate, speak to you in a bit. All that stuff.
ChrisIt also comes across as a bit lazy, doesn't it?
PaulYeah, yeah, proper lazy. It's like people that go, like, um I'm really bad at it and I get told off about it. I haven't done it for a while, but sometimes I go, hey, how are you? dot dot dot I do yeah, yeah, I put dot dot dot apparently. So you put a question mark? No, I just put how are you dot dot. Like I'm leaving it open-ended, even though it is an open-ended question. But sometimes I go, dot dot dot.
ChrisOh, I d uh do you not go how are you question mark?
PaulNo, I just put hey, how are you? How's your day been? Dot dot dot.
ChrisDo you know what I miss? And this is more of a niche reference from when we sort of first started texting, is T B at the end of your message. Means text text back. People don't write that.
PaulOh, is then you're instructing them to text.
ChrisYeah, so you go, right, lovely to see you, how's things? Uh how's the family? T B. Text back. Like people wouldn't have text back, but that was a thing that we had to do. It was put T B at the end of the message.
PaulWell, okay, yeah, makes sense. I'll bring that back. I hate what I hate people that go WTF.
ChrisYeah, I that winds me up. Unless this has been uh just reply going.
PaulCan you believe the news? Can you believe the news? Can you believe it? Yeah, can you believe the news? WTF. Didn't see that one coming. I didn't need a WTF. Why did you have to put WTF?
ChrisYeah.
PaulDo another one that annoys me. And I put it on my socials the other day for people that follow me, and I don't know anybody spotted it. But I abbreviated if you know you know by Oh, I hate that. If Oh Y K. And after I posted it Oh, oh sorry.
ChrisI thought you were talking about the actual phrase, if you know you know.
PaulNo, no, no, I don't mind the phrase if you know you know.
ChrisI'll put that in the bin already. That's what I'll go in the bin. Too much for me.
PaulI just ab no, I just abbreviated if you know you know.
ChrisBut the thing is, people put if you know you know. The thing is, I don't know. That what why are you saying it? I don't know what to do.
PaulSo basically, you just got you just got f FOMO then, as they call it. Pyramid now. Because you don't know what they're talking about.
ChrisJust tell us what we're talking about.
PaulSo you're just jealous that you're not in the know. Because you don't know, so you don't know. But if you know, you know. Oh, it's But you don't know, it's too much.
ChrisIt's yeah, it's uh don't ever use that if you know you know. Don't ever use that on a post or anything.
PaulBut honestly, I j I generally put it on my um on my stories on a post the other day, and I was like, Why did I do that?
ChrisSomebody somebody the other day put up a put up a picture of pint and went, if you know you know. What you're the pub? Of course we know that. But just say you're in the pub. Where are you off to what is it is it something else? Is it not the pub? You gotta all do it.
PaulI think you're just jealous. I'm not jealous. You're jealous.
ChrisNo, just tell us what you're doing. Don't just put clues out there. Oh, here's another one. Here's another one. Oh, got some big news coming, but I can't tell ya. What's the point in telling us?
PaulThat would annoy me. Yeah, what's the point in dangling the carrot? Now you've got to tell us. Oh, also But all it is is people attention to attention seeking wanting to go, go on, tell us.
ChrisDo you know another thing as well? As we're on the subject, people check themselves into hospital. Don't bother. I'm checked into the hospital. And then people go, hey hun, hope you're okay. Hun, give me a call. Oh no, what's the thing?
PaulNo, no, it's the other bit, no, no, it's the other bit where you someone will put a picture and they'll be they'll they'll send a take a picture of the bottom of their hospital bed and then they'll just go check in at let's say Derbyshire Royal Infirmary or whatever, which is where I was born, by the way, it's not there anymore. Um, and then they go, uh, is everything okay, hun? And then they'll reply saying, I'll call you. Oh, shut up, you absolute. I I really feel like we need to do an episode where I can really use the words that I really want to work use because but I know we've got younger people that listen to our podcast.
ChrisI just really want to go away. Is it us just getting old? But I just think, oh come on, don't worry about it. No, we're not at all.
PaulI was just I was as I was told earlier, I said something quite inappropriate. It wasn't offensive, but I said something inappropriate in the dressing room earlier, and Becca from the Animal Guy said, Paul, you were brought up, not dragged up. And I was like, Yes, you're completely right. I can't believe I said that. I was brought up, so it's like anyway. Do you know again, Aggie?
ChrisDo you know what? It's just I I just look, if you're in hospital, that's okay, but tell us a bit more information. Or they put, Oh, I wasn't expecting to be here today. Dot dot dot.
PaulNo one expects to be in hospital in A and E. An accident has happened.
ChrisI mean anyway, that's anyway, that's uh let's move on to a lot of it. Uh I've got what actually, yeah, I got one from today. Uh is it people on trains who sit at the table seat when there's just one of them.
PaulNo, that's me. Every day. Every day.
ChrisLook, if it's a quiet train, I'm all up for it. But if it's a busy train like it was today, and you've got a family and it's hot with a suitcase, and you've got one bloke on his own sat on a table where the table next to him only had one person. On it. Granted.
PaulYeah, but then just yeah, but if there's three of you, you there's three of a seat, you just sit there.
ChrisNo, yeah, but I couldn't get my case on. I there's no room to put my case.
PaulNah, I'm sorry. I I I don't do trains very often, but I would I would a hundred percent be doing that.
ChrisIn all fairness to him, I'll give him his due. He did give up his seat. So I will let him off.
PaulBut I was not just so you know, I would never give up my seat on a train.
ChrisBut I've got a young family, I was hot, and do you know what the top it off? You know you're talking about you had no air conditioning in your van. We had to do an hour and a half journey on a train, and they came over the over the speaker and went and went, sorry, there's no air call on this train today because of the age of the train. So what I've done is to help reduce that issue, I've opened a window. Oh yeah, mate.
PaulRight, okay. That's gonna help. But yeah, but can I ask a question? Why don't you drive in London?
ChrisI ain't driving. Have you seen Pete Albert? No, I am not driving in London.
PaulYou could literally drive to Westfields at Shepherd's Bush, park your car there, it's cheap as anything, then get the tube into London.
ChrisYeah, but I just drove to Salisbury. I just drove from Salisbury to my house because it's literally 10 minutes down the road.
PaulNo, drive in London.
ChrisYeah, but it was a nice day. It was look on the way down, it was great because we had air conditioned train, it was all nice, it was lovely, and my son loved it. Today, not so much. You were like, just care us back to Salisbury. Uh so uh uh, but yeah, uh I've got another one as well, which uh I was outside Downing Street this week.
PaulRight, okay.
ChrisHello, Prime Minister. Uh now the only thing now I don't mind people like chanting what they believe in outside Downing Street, like Andy Burnham's gonna be there listening in. But when you're talking about topics that are not okay for children to be listening to, then give me give me this well, like is it a subject field or what he was talking about he was talking about I I wasn't quite picking up what he was saying, but what he was saying is was not good for children's ears. Let's put it this way, because there's things that happen to kids. Let's leave it as that. And I went, I was thinking, come on, mate, it's the school holidays, it's packed full of kids, and what you're trying to chant out about is not really great for small ears.
PaulSo I I I I'm gonna just not comment on that because I have very strong opinions about uh protests. Free speech? Uh I have yeah, well I but that's the problem, you can't have free speech anymore. You can't I can't like right now. I know we do a podcast and we we control the content and we s we say what we want to within reason, but when it comes to people just so you know, you sat you stood outside Darning Street shouting obscenities to a building. Yeah. One just so you know, Prime Minister Andy Burnham might not even be in there, and two, he's not gonna listen to a jumped up idiot stood outside Downing Street, shouting it's like going, like whatever he was shouting about, I don't really care. But he's not gonna be sat in his office, nor is anybody at Downing Street gonna sit there and go, right, we need to talk. Oh, what's that guy saying outside? Quickly go. Alright, let's crack on that with the agenda. Do you know what I mean? It's like you're gaining nothing. You're gaining absolute nothing. Go away, go and jump in front of a car. That's what I think about that. I hate I can't stand like right anyway, I'll stop because I feel myself getting angry.
ChrisBecause I I just thought, leave it till another day, this issue, okay? And or find another way around it. But when there's loads of things, yeah, exactly.
PaulDo it the proper way. Yeah, but do it the proper way. You know, if you've got a bit of money behind you, you know, like start a page or or protest in the right way and use the right channels, but just walking around and shouting obscenities and shouting at a building, essentially, that ain't gonna get you nowhere.
ChrisAbsolutely. Uh we've got time for uh we've got we've got time for one more.
PaulYeah, let's do one more because I tell you what, I'm starving, I've not eating all day. Um finish this. I am and get brought yeah, as soon as we've uh as soon as we've done this, I'm getting back in the car and I'm driving to a 24-hour McDonald's.
ChrisOh, lucky you.
PaulUm I've got one, so we've been travelling a lot recently, and we were uh on the way from one place to another, and what a journey that should have been five hours twenty ended up being six hours forty because there was road closures on the journey, and Waze, Google Maps, and Apple Maps, not one of them had picked it up.
ChrisYeah, that it depends on the case.
PaulSo I've got real beef at the minute with the highways agency, and I don't care either. But it's like if you know you're going to be closing roads or diversions or anything like that, like surely there's a way within the highways agency they can contact somebody to go, just so now we're closing whatever at this time of night, and so can you put it into the app? Do you know what I mean?
ChrisI think there must be I there's gotta be a way, or you just go and stand outside Downing Street and start shouting about it that way.
PaulBut like so, on the we went to Devafest or Devafest, whatever it's called, it took us two hours to get there from Doncaster. Yeah, it took us nearly three hours forty to get back because they closed the Woodhead Road or something between like by Manchester or wherever it is. But this sort of annoyed me. It never came up on the sat nav, the road wasn't due to be closed till twelve. We got there at quarter to twelve, they'd already closed it, and it was like they not even put the diversion signs out yet.
ChrisI think I think this might be an issue with you being on the road too much.
PaulI just I just think that it's 20 in phone signal, that annoys me. It's 2026. Believe a conspiracy or not believe a believer conspiracy, whatever. But they put a man on the moon, in my opinion, a man went on the moon, but yeah, I can't get signal.
ChrisDo you know what? I got signal up atop of a mountain in Norway, but I can't get signal around the corner of my house.
PaulYeah, but I can go one better. I was in America, we went jet skiing off the Gulf of Mexico. Jet skiing, I was about two miles out from sea, and I had full bars, 5G, and a FaceTime Cornwall.
ChrisAnd there was a phone mast right next to you in the middle of the day.
PaulDo you know what I mean? So I was on a jet ski because I took my phone on to take pictures and stuff, it was amazing. But I FaceTimed my parents in the like on a jet ski on the Gulf of Mexico. I was miles from land, and I had I had the best FaceTime signal with my mum and dad. But yet, my mum and dad try and FaceTime me from the middle of Cornwall, and it can't. It's like, what's the why are you FaceTiming me? Your signal shit, rubbish.
ChrisOh, I've got oh, there's more, there's more I've got to do. So I'll just take I'll just take the box. I'll just take the box. I'll take the box.
PaulI said a naughty word for any of the our younger fans listening. I am so sorry. Anyway, that's how that's how passionate I am about the highways agency. Just let people know that you're shutting the roads. It shouldn't be up to us British public to report a road closure. You tell us the road's closed. Stop putting your stupid little signs out.
ChrisWell, hi anyone from Highways Agency, if you're listening, then please get in touch.
PaulI would love it. If if I was bigger on Twitter and I used Twitter in the right way or what's the other one called it? In the white way. In the white way, in the white way. What's the other one at the minute? Oh, what's it called? Um threads threads. Threads. If I use threads in the right way, I'll literally go to town.
ChrisWho uses threads? I've never used it.
PaulI loads I know loads of people that prefer threads to Twitter now.
ChrisOh, I never used it. I always check Twitter if something if something bad's happening.
PaulYeah, no. That's been used. Yeah, because anyway, that's an that's another story.
ChrisOf course it is.
PaulAnyway, can I go and get some food now?
ChrisRight, you go get some food, I'm gonna go and start editing this pod now.
PaulWell, go back towards the end. That's when I said the naughty word. And if you've cut it, if you haven't cut it out, then I'm sorry. If you have cut it out, then I said a naughty word, and now Chris has got to find it.
ChrisNo, I'm just gonna tick a box. I'm just gonna tick a box tonight.
PaulNo, because then people with younger accounts won't be able to listen to it. Just just leave it in.
ChrisJust leave it in. Apologies, my friend.
PaulLeave it in, don't tick the leave it in, don't tick the box. See what happens.
ChrisWe'll see what happens, but anyway.
PaulI'm so hot.
ChrisIt's been great to catch up. We'll see you again in a fortnight.
PaulAnd actually, uh as part of the podcast, I'm saying to you goodbye, because I'm going and I'll ring you tomorrow.
ChrisAll right then. Anyway, on that note, we'll see you on the next episode. Bye everyone, bye everybody.